Wednesday, July 18, 2012
As London prepares for the Greatest Show on Earth, Team Macro Man have been giving some thought to their own favourites for the 2012 Financial Olympics.
Sailing - It's going to be tough with so many competitors sailing so close to the wind this year. Barclays opted to do their own rigging, having allegedly refused the advice of their BoE advisors, however the sudden suicides of the team captain and cabin boy have left an opening for Iran's HSBC crew. With more storms forecast this year, we expect many of the field to be capsized. Team US-JPM have already spent billions on repairs having hit a whale.
Weight Lifting - The SNB is expected to challenge China's world record in reserve lifting with its attempt on 400 billion Euros, but such a tiny frame suffers serious risk of prolapse under such immense strain.
Judo - Elliott Associates is tipped to win for its skills in using other people's leverage and a strong understanding of the minutiae of the rules of the sport which has served them well in recent competitions.
100 meters - Facebook reached the 100 yard mark in record time but didn't quite manage the full 100 meters. Having thought they had won, they returned 30 meters back down the track and sat down moaning that the banks had guaranteed their victory.
Water Polo - Throwing a ball to each other in an outwardly civilised manner whilst underwater carrying out all sorts of dirty tricks, gives the world's reserve managers a huge advantage. The field is too evenly matched to call, though Sweden has been drowned before the competition even begins. Switzerland is protesting its innocence.
Synchronized Swimming - Paulson is the hot favourite having admirably demonstrated an unparalleled ability to hold his breath below high water marks over the past few years.
Cycling - Bill Gross's performance in the recycling of short bond calls had him tipped for gold, but having found to be using performance enhancing products when tested for derivatives, his inclusion in the team is debatable
Gymnastics - China have always excelled at this and their program this year looks to be the most creative yet with a completely new set of figures dreamed up especially for the event.
High Jump - Apple. Always beats the bar by a clear margin.
Decathlon - We'll go for Jim Rogers with his well practiced 10 commodity index components, although Jim really doesn't care what discipline he competes in as long as he wins GOLD.
Kayaking - The Greek team have excelled throughout the past 3 years, navigating the most extreme of rapids. Experts are left amazed that they are still afloat at this point in the competition despite their leaky craft, complete lack of leadership and large debts.
Equestrian Dressage - US Congress's ability to bore, parade around all dressed up with an air of over importance whilst not do anything vaguely substantial leaves them unparalled favourites.
Skeet Shooting - Germany's Weidmann is the obvious choice having proved himself to be able to shoot down any idea that is thrown up before it even leaves the ground.
Tennis doubles - FX dealers. Knowing the team orders of the opposition and exactly where they plan to play the ball gives them a clear advantage. Without it they wouldn't make the under 6's playground team.
Wrestling - Often accused of being scripted theatre, we rejoin the final that was never completed at Beijing 2008, China vs US. This tussle is centred upon US accusations of Chinese fixing and punching below the belt.
Fencing - Hugh Hendry. After being disqualified for sledging he has a new manager and has taken up fencing, hiding behind a mask and mindless jabbing away trying to hit anything at all.
Rowing - A sport requiring Herculean strength, endurance, precision, timing and coordination. So Europe to come last then. We tip Finland to win for its ability to look in one direction whilst going as fast as it can in the other.
Beach Volleyball - PIMCO. Who cares about results, it's the image that counts. G4S to come last.