The Hadrian Partition

Dramatis Personae

David Cameron......................................Captain James T. Kirk
Menzies 'Ming' Campbell.....................Mr. Spock
George Osborne...................................Dr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy
Alistair Campbell..................................Lt. Cdr. Montgomery Scott
Alex Salmond.......................................Captain Bruce of the USS Hadrian
Nick Clegg.............................................A redshirt security man #1
Ed Milliband.........................................A redshirt security man #2
Moira Stewart......................................Lt. Uhura
Vladimir Putin......................................Ensign Pavel Chekov


Kirk:   Stardate 2014.18.9.  The Enterprise has been called to the Albion quadrant to investigate the status of the USS Hadrian.   The Hadrian has not responded to subspace communications from Starfleet Command for several weeks.  A possible mutiny is feared.

(Cut to the bridge of the Enterprise)

Chekov:   Approaching the Hadrian, Captain She appears to drifting aimlessly in space.   Recommend we lock her in with NX-ray tractor beam, sir.

Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Chekov.  Hold off on the NX-ray for now.  Mr. Spock, can I get a visual?

Spock: Yes, captain.

(Cut to image of the Hadrian floating in space.   A faint shimmering is observable around a quarter of the way from the stern.)

Kirk: Spock, magnify image.

(Cut to larger image of the Hadrian.  A blue curtain of shimmering light has intersected the ship where the engines connect to the main body of the ship.)

Spock: Fascinating.

Kirk:  What do you make of it, Spock?   Is there anyone on board the Hadrian?

Spock: (checking instruments):  Affirmative, Captain.  The instruments read 112 life-forms on board- a full crew.

Kirk:  And the wall of light?

Spock: It appears to be a negative energy field, Captain, that's locked onto the Hadrian.  Given that the crew are all still alive, it would be logical to conclude that it has not caused any harm...yet.

Kirk:  Uhura, try to raise the captain of the Hadrian on subspace radio.  Who is it these days?  William Wallace?

Spock: I believe it is Captain Robert D. Bruce, Captain.

Uhura:  Hadrian, this is the Enterprise.   Come in, please.   This is the USS Enterprise calling the USS Hadrian.   Come in, please.   (pause) No answer, Captain.

Kirk:  We'd better go check it out.  Spock, Chekov, come with me.  (Walks to the door of the bridge, then speaks into intercom.)  McCoy and Scotty to the transporter room at once.  Prepare to beam aboard the Hadrian.

(Cut to Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scotty, Chekov, and two redshirts beaming aboard the bridge of the Hadrian.  In contrast to the Enterprise, the interior of the Hadrian is painted a pleasant green colour.  A number of uniformed crew-members are silently milling about, aimlessly.  There is no sign of Captain Bruce or any of the Hadrian's other officers.)

Kirk (grabbing a gold-shirted Hadrian crewman):  You there!  I'm Capatin James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise.  Where are your captain and the other officers?   What's going on here?

(The crewman looks at Kirk silently, then resumes milling about when Kirk releases his tunic.)

Kirk:  Bones, what's wrong with them?

McCoy:  Impossible to say, Jim, without a thorough examination in the infirmary.  I'll take the one you spoke to and give him a complete physical.  (He starts to leave the bridge, guiding Kirk's crewman by the arm.)

Spock (scanning the crewman with his tricorder): All neural and physical activity are normal, Captain.

McCoy:  Dammit, Spock, something is wrong with them!  Maybe they've had an emotional trauma...that can be deeply disturbing!  Can't you get that through your logical Vulcan mind?

(Spock raises one eyebrow and says nothing.)

Kirk: Bones, leave him be.  Get to the infirmary and find out what's wrong with this crew!   We need to find Captain Bruce and figure out what that energy field is!  Scotty, can you go to the engine room and see if the energy field's having any effect?

Scotty:   Aye-aye, Cap'n!

Chekov:  I think we should use the NX-ray now, Captain.

Kirk:  Yes, thank you for sharing your opinion Chekov, but right now it's not needed.  You stay here in the bridge.   Spock, let's explore the ship.

(He and Spock leave the bridge, followed by the two redshirts.  Cut to the Captain and his party exploring a random corridor of the Hadrian, passed occasionally by an indifferent crewman.)

Spock:  Captain, I was thinking....(He is interrupted by the beeping of Kirk's communicator.)

Kirk:  This is Kirk.

(Voice of McCoy):  McCoy here.   Jim, I've never seen anything like it.  This crewman is perfectly healthy in every way, but he simply has nothing to say!

Kirk:  Bones, we need more than that.  Stay there.  Spock and I will come have a look.

(Cut to the infirmary.  Kirk and Spock walk in as McCoy is bent over the prone body of the blinking Hadrian crewman.)

Kirk:  Bones, we need this crewman to talk!  You've got to do more!

McCoy:  Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a miracle-worker!  We need to get inside the head of this man, and I just cannot do it!

Spock:  Captain, might I suggest that I employ the Vulcan mind-meld technique.  If there's anything in this man's mind, I may be able to draw it out.

Kirk:  Good idea, Spock.  Do what you need to do.

(Cut to image of Spock locked in a mind-meld with the silent crewman as Kirk and McCoy look on.   Kirk's communicator beeps.)

Kirk:  Kirk here.

(Voice of Scotty):  Cap'n, it's Scotty here.  I dinna want to alarm ye, but that there negative energy cairtain is tryin' tae break the ship apairt!  We have anaither few houairs, and the Hadrian will be splet in two!

Kirk:  Is there anything you can do, Scotty?

(Voice of Scotty):  Och aye, Cap'n, I'm wairkin' as hard as I can.   Come on you beauties, ye know what tae do!

Kirk: Keep me posted, Scotty.

(Voice of Chekov): We could use NX-ray to keep ship together, Captain!

Kirk:  Yes, I know your view, Chekov.   That will be all.   Kirk out.

(Spock stirs and separates from the crewman, shaking his head somewhat groggily.)

Kirk:  Spock!  Are you alright?

Spock:  Yes of course, Captain.   Getting inside this man's mind was a fascinating example of scientific...

McCoy:   Come on, Spock, enough of your dithering!  What was inside the man's brain?

Spock:  The spectre of the dividing wall of negative energy first descended upon the ship a few weeks ago, separating the ship in two.   Those to the south of the wall, which comprise the majority of the ship, were left with an overwhelming compulsion to remain silent, as if they have nothing to say.  Those caught on the other side of the wall, which include the captain and his officers, have seen some of their number actively trying to break the ship apart, while others attempt to stop them.   It's quite fascinating...of course, if the ship were to break apart, many of the crew, including those under the compulsion of this strange negative energy, will likely perish.   This crewman seems to think that among those caught on the other side of the energy wall, it's evenly splity between those who want to sunder the ship and those who are trying to keep it together.

(Voice of Scotty over the intercom):  Cap'n, it's gettin' wairse!  This ship could break apart in just a few short houairs!

Kirk:  Do your best, Scotty!  Bones, Spock, we'd best investigate this wall of negative energy.

(Kirk, McCoy, and Spock walk out of the infirmary and down the hallway, where they are followed by the two redshirts.  Cut to an image of a large room which is bisected by the shimmering blue curtain of negative energy.   Perhaps it is a trick of the light, but there appears to be a faint outline of a white 'X' on the curtain.   On the far side of the curtain, crew members of the Hadrian can be seen and heard arguing.)

Kirk:   Crew of the Hadrian!  What's going on here?

(A jowly man in a Starfleet Captain's uniform stops arguing and looks through the curtain at Kirk in surprise.)

Bruce:  Who the daivil are ye?

Kirk:  Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise.   And you, I presume, are Captain Bruce?

Bruce:  Captain Robert T. Bruce.  (Bruce executes a florid little bow.)  What are ye doin' on mah ship?

Kirk:  We've been sent by Starfleet Command because you've not been responding to their communications.

Bruce:  Wail, it's hard tae respond when ye're stuck in the arse-end of the ship, ain't it, laddie?  Run along, now, Kairk, and tell Starfleet everything's just fine aboard the Hadrian...or will be soon enough.

(Voice of Scotty):  I cannae hold her much longer, Cap'n!   She's on the vairge of breakin' up!

(Voice of Chekov):  Use the NX-ray, Captain!

Kirk (into communicator):  Scotty, you must keep her together!   Chekov, one more peep out of you and I'll have to sanction you.  Now Captain Bruce, suppose you tell me about this energy field and about the ship breaking up?

Bruce:  Och aye, that's nae concairn of yours, lad, nor of anyone else's!

McCoy:  But this is a Starfleet ship!  You can't just tear it apart on a whim!  There are lives at stake!  You've been brainwashed by this negative energy field!

Bruce:  Nonsense lad, I couldn't be thinking more clearly.  This part of the ship is tired of being under the yoke of Starfleet, and we're aiming to do something about it!

Anonymous Hadrian crewman:  You've got to stop him! He's mad!

(Bruce turns and casually fires his phaser at the crewman, who slumps to the ground.  The two heretofore irrelevant redshirts hoist their phasers and attempt to fire through the curtain.   The beam rebounds and hits the men, who collapse in a heap.  McCoy rushes over and checks them with his scanner.)

McCoy: Jim, they're dead.

Kirk:  Now look here, Bruce, you've killed two of my men.

Bruce:  Typical Starfleet oppressor,  blaming us for their own mishaps.   Let me tell ye laddie....this ship waill break up, we waill escape the Hadrian, we waill colonize a new planet and we waill join the United Federation of Planets...on our own terms.

Spock:  You're being most illogical, Captain Bruce.  Even if you manage to separate this ship and leave it somewhat structurally sound, your remnant will be too small to travel very far in space.  Even if you manage to find a habitable planet, in all likelihood the journey will be an unpleasant one.   You should consider the benefits that you get from being a part of Starfleet before deciding to leave.   Finally, even if you do manage to colonize a planet, you'll have no chance of joining the Federation.  Its current members, including Starfleet, will simply not allow it.

(Bruce looks at Spock and laughs maniacally.)

Bruce:  Liar!  We waill join the Federation.   As for our our survival, naiver you worry.   We have a wee nest egg of Federation credits saved up that we'll use until we join.

Kirk:  And what makes you think that anyone in the Federation will accept those credits?   Good god, think man!   You're endangering a hundred lives simply to satisfy a schoolboy's grudge!  How can you be so irresponsible?

Bruce:  Och, I'll show you irresponsible!

(Bruce opens a console on the wall and starts manipulating some of the controls within it.  The blue curtain appears to flicker, then reappear with an even stronger intensity.  The ship lurches violently, throwing Kirk and his colleagues onto the floor.)

(Voice of Scotty):  Cap'n, she's strating to fracture!  Oh my bonny lass, hang togaither!  No one loves you more than your Scotty!

Will Kirk, Scotty and the crew of the Enterprise manage to combat the negative energy field and keep the Hadrian intact?  Or will Captain Robert D. Bruce success in his plot to sunder his ship and start a new society?

Tune into BBC1 Thursday night (or Friday morning?) to watch the exciting conclusion to The Hadrian Partition!


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Click here for comments
September 18, 2014 at 8:30 AM ×

C Says
Very droll. I was waiting for a mention of Klin(kers)gons and what do Scots really have beneath their kilts ,but that would have been in 'worst possible taste' says' Kenny.

September 18, 2014 at 11:54 AM ×

Well, the key problem will obviously be that when they finally get to launch that NX-ray, they realise that it will broken :) ...


September 18, 2014 at 1:51 PM ×

Scots first, then the Basques, finally Sicilians and Lega Nord separating from Rome.

In Livorno they say it's better to have a dead in the family than a Pisan in front of the house.

Meglio un morto in casa che un Pisano all'uscio.


Nico G
September 18, 2014 at 4:07 PM ×

other than that Livorno brought us great ships and the Nido del Cuculo

che ridere

Mr. T
September 18, 2014 at 6:23 PM ×

I'm surprised the US 10yr isn't getting a bid. IG, HY are all up a couple bp and US still is 100bp+ higher than Europe? I'm nibbling.

September 18, 2014 at 7:26 PM ×

Perfection, MM, although you could have added the following highlights:

1) a sword fight between the always eager modern day samurai Mr Sulu and a Hadrian crewman who has secreted a dirk inside his sporran.

2) the de rigeur Trek interlude where Kirk cops off with a random female yeoman and they make out in the transporter room, before Bones and Spock remind him that the fate of the universe is about to be decided and things are going a bit pear-shaped.

3) that bit that was in every episode where a photon torpedo blast hits and the bridge is rocked, causing all the actors, I mean crew, to run from one side of the set, I mean bridge, to the other and back again, with some of them falling over - always entertaining, especially so if you got a flash of Yeoman Rand's knickers.

USTs look extra tasty - they seem so appetizing here that one is tempted to employ leverage and/or options, at least once the September expiration is behind us.

September 18, 2014 at 8:20 PM ×

I bet the hacks at Market Watch and the pink blog will be all over your posts this week looking for ideas. Easier than having to write your own copy.....

September 19, 2014 at 6:34 AM ×

C Says
I didn't see any data prior to the vote that indicated the margin would be as wide as it was.
The NX-ray must have been brought to bear and Chekov became the hero of the hour. There is a rumour the ray was nothing more than vaporised IrnBru.

Nico G
September 19, 2014 at 7:20 AM ×

you gotta love how they schedule every Greek decision (2 years ago), every big CB speech, now the Scottish vote, and why not price in the biggest IO of all time... the day before expiry

max gap for max effect through the strike level yo mama shorted - ummagamma !

Nico G
September 19, 2014 at 7:23 AM ×

* IO = IPO

and for good measure,

you can expect and news from Russia today to crap the day and clean a few stops the other way

September 19, 2014 at 10:44 AM ×

I can't wait for the conclusion to this now ...

Will the Enterprise prevail?