As markets are so quiet, TMM have been leafing through their copy of the latest Radio Times to see what's on TV this Christmas. Hmmm... let's see...
Sunday, 25th December
07:00 - Prayer for today. With George Osborne.
07:10 - The One Show. Start your Christmas morning on the couch as Matt and Alex discuss what will next trade through parity. Live from Brussels, a class of 12 yr olds who are short EUR/USD for their school, are setting up a street party for the big day. Rolf Harris will be in the studio with a collection of his paintings depicting each time the Aussie Dollar has been through parity. There are the sad stories too, as we join the Beeteepee family who have little chance of ever trading at par again.
09:30 - The Poseidon Adventure. The Reverend Draghi leads nine survivors; an elderly couple, Nic and Angela who are trying to head to the Promised Land. An Italian ex-president detective and his ex-pro wife trying to have a second honeymoon in Italy; A young couple of auditors on their way to meet Papa in Greece; A builder from Spain, a pop singer from Finland, and a waiter from the ECB. They travel from the grand ballroom struggling through, steam, fire and rising water in the up-side-down ship to reach the bottom which they are convinced is actually the top. Unfortunately, as usual, they are mistaken and it ends in disaster.
10:30 - Low rents of Arabia. Kirsty Alsop follows a couple she encouraged to borrow to invest in 10 buy-to-let properties in 2007. Now looking to run away from their huge debts, Kirsty advises the distressed couple on where they can find affordable housing. Kirsty's expertise leads them to low rent properties in Syria, Baghdad and Kabul.
11:00 - Wonderful Life. An Angel helps a compassionate but despairingly frustrated banker by showing him what life would have been like if he never existed. Fred Goodwin finds the vision so compelling he vows never to exist. A moving tale with a very happy ending.
12:30 - Deal or No Deal. US politicians present a multitude of boxes, each containing a different debt level. Can the Democrat pick out the largest one and outwit the Republican negotiating on the end of the phone?
13:00 - Who wants to be a Millionaire. J Corzine, a salesman from New York, fails to answer the simplest of questions but still walks off with the millions.
14:00 - Countdown. S+P and Moodys battle it out in the final as they have 30 seconds to make up numbers and rearrange letters into ratings in the most disorderly fashion possible.
15:00 - Only Fools and Horses. Del and Rodney come up with a scheme to make a quick buck in the lofty financial markets that they can see from their tenement blocks in Peckham. Del swiftly realises that all he has to do is cut and paste bad news onto chat services and he not only will be paid large sums as a financial salesperson but can also earn money on the side from what Rodney calls "sure'd" positions as they always make money. Of course it all comes unstuck when Bensy reveals a load of strong data he had been keeping in a lock-up with hilarious results.
15:30 - The Merkel and Wisemen Christmas Special. Merkel and Wisemen lead us through a show of festive comedy japes. This year's promises to be the funniest yet with guest appearances from Mario Monti and his Jazz Men (playing Suwannee River), the Mommas and Papas from Greece, and Sarko their performing monkey.
16:00 - Family Fortunes. The Gaddafi family are up aganst the West family as they try to pick the most popular answers selected by their peoples in order to protect their fortunes, Three XXX in a row and it's curtains.
16:30 - The Nativity. Dramatisation of the Biblical story. King Howard of Funds orders all Europeans to register to pay their Sovereign CDS dues. Upon reaching Brussethlehem, Merky & Sarkoseph ask for help, but are turned away by each of the G20 nations. As all hope seems lost they manage to find shelter in yet another broken down summit where the baby Eltiaro is born. European banks come to pay their respects, leaving gifts of billions of worthlesss periphery debt, whilst leaving with piles of freshly printed cash to take home to their balance sheets. 12 Days later, the Three German Wisemen arrive, bringing Bundesbank Gold, Frankfurters & Myrrhobonds.
17:00 - Songs of Praise. Join us in the Cathedral of Gold where the choirs of the church to the end of fiat money, the church of inflation and the church of Apocalypse join together in praise of our God Au.
17:30 - X-factor finals. The auditions started last year in Tunisia. The judges have auditioned hundreds of acts in Cairo, Bahrain, Tripoli and throughout the major cities of the Arab world. But now we are back in Cairo for the finals. Live from Tahrir Sq the public will be voting for the last time. Have the bookies' favourites "Total Democracy" got what it takes to pip "Military Rule" and "Benign Dictatorship" to the title this year and release their own version of "I did it my way" to make it to Xmas No 1.
18:30 - Inflating with the Stars Christmas Special. Mervyn King, Mario Draghi, Ben Bernanke & Zhou Xiaochuan battle it out for the Glitter Ball Trophy. This week they will be dancing the competitive devaluation. Head Judge Moody Essenpi breaks precedent by awarding Mervyn King the highest ever score of 40000000000000.
19:30 - A Euromas Carol. Emerkozy Scroodraghi, a mean-spirited miserly old Eurocrat sitting in the Bundesbank is visited on Christmas Eve by Kohldelors, the ghost of Euro past, Jens Weidmann, the ghost of Euro present, and ISDA, the ghost of Euro future. The spirits try to make him mend his sadomasochistic ways and help poor Tiny Timonti by printing money. Starring Morgan Freeman as Kohldelors, Alan Alder as Jens Weidmann, Ronald Reagan as ISDA and Alan Rickman as Scroodraghi.
20:30 - Mr Bean goes on Holiday. So there is no rate decision from the MPC today. Instead, we will be broadcasting "The King and I" a musical about a population who accept the job of living with Mervynflation.
21:00 - Agatha Christie's Poirot. When Bundesbank President Jens Weidmann is found murdered in a Frankfurt backstreet, the sleuth is led through a web of intrigue that stretches from Rome to Paris. Poirot's toughest assignment yet when he identifies 350million suspects but no witnesses.
22:00 - The BBC Ten O'Clock News. Robert Peston explains why bankers were responsible for the death of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago whilst John Humphrys justifies his salary.
23:00 - Close Down. All the banks are closed down.
61 comments
Click here for commentsDue to our management ,our yearly episode of FEAR FACTOR will not be screening.
ReplyDavid Cameron Evidently fear is not a factor for you.
You've Been Frmaed with Dominique Strauss-Khan?
Replybrilliant
ReplyThe Weakest Link. Anne Robinson grills and intimidates a group of contestants who try an shore up their bank by answering simple questions on how they'll fund their deficits.
ReplyThe Price is Right. An affable host quizzes under-employed contestants on the correct price of a range of financial products. Concludes with the Showcase Showdown, in which two lucky entrants are invited to bid on a portfolio of items. Be careful, though! Bidding too much makes you the big loser.
Whose Line Is It Anyway? Revival of the old Clive Anderson improv show, in which a panel of European policy elites are placed in amusing situations by the moderator and forced to make things up as they go along.
Strictly Come Dancing/Dancing With the Stars. An array of B-list entrants receive professional coaching on how to tap-dance, waltz, and tango around the thorny issue of a Greek default. Each week the judges and the public dispose of another competitor who is just not nimble enough.
Big Brother. Insider traders enter the Big Brother house, where they are given $100m portfolios to manage by leveraging their 'industry contacts.' Be careful, though! The eye of the public is always upon you, and naughty traders may be confronted by Big Brother in the confessional. In extremis, misbehaviour is punished with ejection from the game.
Keep them coming. folks.. we are smiling on all fronts.. thankyou
ReplyCurb your enthusiasm. A grumpy old man from tNew Jersey who hit the lottery in a previous job writes, directs and acts in a partly-fictional account of his everyday life.
ReplyLast season told us about the failure of his new business, ending with the already cult Tourette CEO episode. Next on deck, our hero goes and try to find a new kidney for his longtime friend Henry Paulson.
Home Alone
Reply(Call me) Dave wishes not to go on the European holiday with his EU family. He then realises how lonely life can be as he tries to ward off the thieves from Brussels attempting to steal the country's prized assets.
Going for Gold hosted by John Paulson
ReplyWhale Tales with Pippa Middleton
Reply"I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue", a fly-on-the-wall documentary of the risk management procedures in a swiss IB.
ReplyRobbin Hood and His Merrye Men.
ReplyRobbin of Stocksley, once a gentleman, becomes an outlaw and lives by his wits. Along with Friar Buck and the rest of his Merrye Men, he hides among the hedges, hoping to steal from the rich to give to his men and his beloved Maid Margin.
He is pursued by the Sheriff of Shorting'em but Robbin seeks safety in nearby Sino Forest under the Green Mountain, where he and his men relieve the King's men of almost all of their ill-gotten gains. Evil King John then has to sell all his gold to meet margin calls and has a bloody awful year.
Oh yess,, thanks folks .
ReplyOh and Olly, welcome back .. missed you since your stunning contributions related to the last "I'm sorry" offerings on the "late arrivals" post 18mths ago.
You guys are the best! If this doesn't make you laugh you are deader than a dead man!
Reply22:00 takes the proverbial biscuit!
Have a great Christmas
Regards
Clive
Dancing on Thin Ice ~ finance ministers from around the World compete to see who can run up the biggest deficit.
ReplyThe Great Escape ~ perennial Christmas favourite. A group of plucky desperadoes try to escape the clutches of an austere German regime. The film ends memorably with one hero tied up in red tape.
Relocation Relocation.
ReplyKirsty and Phil help hapless London bankers outbid fifty other bidders for a one bedroom apartment in a bleak housing estate Geneva, and look for creative ways to bribe the current tenant into endorsing them and seducing the "Regie" by tripling the deposit. The situation escalates when a Russian gentleman and his "niece" shows up doubling the bid!
Strictly Bollocks. - Famous politicians team up with professional spin doctors and have only 8 weeks to impress the judges with their performances. Last week saw Nick Clegg go out with an unconvincing spin on Cameron's rejection of the Euro Treaty. Favorite Kim Jong Eun is expected to clean up this week supported by his 3million strong army and arsenal of nuclear weapons.
ReplyI'm a Currency, Get me out of here! - Old has-been currencies are made to go through deprivations and tortuous ordeals in the jungle of the Euro-zone. They ultimately get voted out.
ReplyMission Impossible VII : in this surprisingly short sequel the Impossible Missions Force refuse to accept their mission to save the euro.
ReplyOliver - A poor Greek boy falls in with a rough lot of southern european pick-pockets. When the young olive picker asks for more from the big European he is surprised by the response of "Oh go on then, how much do you want? Is that enough? Here, have some more, just don't tell the others, there's a good lad."
ReplySki Sunday ~ a race to the bottom ...................
ReplyEl Tiaro - Hired central banker Draghi turns down a job with Nic Sarko as it would mean having to fight an old German friend. Some months later he finds out the german is on the bottle and a top gunfighter is heading his way to help Sarko. Along with young Monti, known for his knife work on spending, and now armed with a diabolical program ( El Tiaro), Draghi returns to help.
ReplyFlash Gordon ~ a Chancellor of the Exchequor tries to bankrupt a once great country. Most notable for the Queen soundtrack including "Euro Under Pressure" ; "Crazy Little Thing called Balancing the Books over the economic cycle" and "Gamma to Fall" .
Reply27 Angry Men ~ in this remake of the 50's classic, the urbane David Cameron takes a lone stand against the consensus. As doubt is cast on certain original assumptions, and the selfish motivations of several unsavoury characters is revealed, the pendulum of justice swings towards our brave hero.
ReplyThe Man with the Golden Bazooka. Agent 00-Draghi of the ECB takes on the world with his feared LTRO bazooka, only for him to realise that it actually doesn't work. Guest-starring Hank Paulson as Q, the inventor of the bazooka, and Angela Merkel as Miss Moneypfennig
ReplyAntiques Roadshow - From Athens. The locals bring in their collections of bills, bonds and notes where our panel of experts confirms that though they are indeed old and original, they are still worthless.
ReplyCarry on Printing. Hilarious raunchy comedy where a group of central bankers try to see who can print the most money, despite the best efforts of Angela (Joan Sims). Staring Sid James as Mervyn, Kenneth Williams as Ben and Bernard Bresslaw as Mario. Guest starring Barbara Windsor as Christine.
ReplyButch Merkel and the Sarkozy Kid ~ 2 bank robbers flee to South America with the song "Greek Bonds keep falling on my Head" ringing in their ears.
ReplyThe Empire Strikes Back ; Draghi Skywalker mission to save the proletarians through jedi style easing transforms into a life of its own..fiat slushing through the streets-slivering through the global monetary system uncontrollably,until the second coming of Darth Weber,where he takes a sword to rebel alliance and puts princess Merkel back upon the throne.
ReplySince my TV only shows CBeebies these days, here's mine:
ReplyPapa Pig -
Papademos Pig likes to play in muddy accounting puddles with her little brother George. They will continue to do so forever if no one stops them, which might be tolerable...but when the big PIGS Mommy Pig (Spain) and Daddy Pig (Italy) joins them in the mud the world starts to shake.
Sorry, should be "join" in the last sentence. Too much glogg this afternoon...
ReplyDiscovery Channel Special - Sqiud Week "Searching for the giant vampire squid". Ancient legends from around the world oft tell tales of the blood sucking beast but no one has ever seen one before, until now! Advances in technology have allowed traders to probe deeper into the dark pools on wall st. What they find may surprise you. Hosted by Lloyd Bankfein.
ReplyThe Biggest Loser - Wall St Edition. Contestants compete to see who can loose the most. This week features; Johhny Corzine, Kweku Adoboli, Howie Hubler and Jerome Kerviel. Hosted by Bernie Madofff
Axel Weber and the Traders of the Lost Mark ~ The former Bundesbank President recruits an elite team of retired currency dealers in preparation for the return of the Deutschemark.
ReplyDickensian Great Coincidences at Xmas.
Reply"The Tasmanian EMU and King Island EMU subspecies that previously inhabited Tasmania and King Island became EXTINCT after the EUROPEAN settlement of Australia "
Rogue Traders- An investigative program in which the host rides his motorbike to...actually, can't think of how a show like this might apply to finance.
ReplyQi- A panel of Nobel-winners build a quantitative investment process, only to be shown by a preening Stephen Fry that what they thought to be true is, in fact, not. Quite interesting.
Hawaii 5-0: A periodic program that tracks Honolulu house prices as a percentage of their 2006 peak.
Downturn Abbey (with abject apologies to Private Eye): period drama in which a group of dysfunctional aristocrats deal with the highs and lows of the economic cycle with the ready help of their working-class servants.
Original... just that..
ReplyPerhaps you should add "and outstanding" to your tag too.
I think we are going to let this run over the next few days as tmm have departed to their various xmas commitments, but we are enjoying this comment run, so please keep it up.
Babe Watch (showing after 11.00pm) Silvio Berlusconi shows some of his home videos.
ReplySorry, cannot resist this one:
ReplyTwo and a Half Men. David Cameron, Herman van Rompuy, and Nicolas Sarkozy meet to iron out an Anglo-French detente.
National Lampoons Xmas vacation, starring Corizine as the aloof Clark Griswald
ReplyBad Santa. Bc Shit happens when you party nakend!, just ask the traders who bought CDS's on greece
Watch as our heroes, having barely survived the crash of flight Europa 1815, navigate through BlackRock, the SmoQE Monster and the DRAGHI initiative, all the while being mercilessly downgraded by the Others.
ReplySome say it's brilliant. Others say it is retarded mythology. In any case, as TMM often points out ... resolution is going to take a loooooooong time.
Also, 4 + 8 + 15 + 16 + 23 + 42 = 108bn. So now you know how EBA came up with its capital shortfall estimate for Eurobanks.
25th 15:00: The Queens Speech - an(other) audience with Hugh Hendry.
Reply26th 14:00 (KO 14:30):two locals set their box spreaders against one another in a much anticipated Scratch of the Day.
26th 21:00: Ian Hislop and Paul Merton join a sales desk directed to counter any bullish research in a 1hr special of Have I Got Spoos For You.
And, while I have the stage:@ Pol, CPI, Nemo, the Original MM, even LeftBack (not forgetting Anonymous)... mucho gracias for the blog and I wish you all a healthy, happy, and prosperous 2012.
Film Premiere: Black Swan
ReplyNew Girl
ReplyAfter the previous boss is caught with his pants down, Christine is the bubbly "new girl", forced to move in with dysfunctional trio Nic, Angela and Mario to hold endless meetings.
'Allo 'Allo
Farcical comedy set in the middle of the currency war. French cafe owner Nicolas tries to run his AAA rated business while dealing with pushy Germans infatuated with the "Occupy" movement, preventing a flamboyant Italian from making off with his hot wife, and trying desperately to shut up the annoying British and ship them off to their island.
Life's Too Short - Ricky Gervais comedy starring Nicholas Sarkozy as he tries to pay off his tax bill.
ReplyMillion Pound Drop - too obvious?
Bangla Bankers - a foul-mouthed Cockney banker goes to emerging markets to find the secret of converting a rotten, corrupt creaking economy into a shiny, high-revving powerhouse.
ReplyThe Italian Job. A zany adventure featuring several technocrats and their friends, also a bad man and some teenage girls.
ReplyMario's got a 'Job' to do. Having just left prison he finds one of his friends has attempted a high yield govie auction in Italy, right under the nose of the Mafia. Mario's friend Silvio doesn't get very far, so Mario takes over the 'Job'. Using three Mini Coopers, a couple of jaguars and an IMF loan, he hopes to bring Rome to a standstill, steal the Gold and escape.
If you loved it in Q3, then Q4 and Q1 '12 should be a riot:
Italy in Recession
Get Shorty.
ReplyIt all starts when Nic "Cozy" Sarkozy borrows Chili de Villepin's jacket and hangs it on a butcher's hook without permission while he's still wearing it.
Kill Bill.
ReplyA West Coast fixed income manager shorts US Treasuries and is then rear-ended with a red hot poker by Mr Market for several months until he capitulates (or is locked in the closet by his CEO).
The Full Monti.
ReplyA bunch of hard-up technocrats in Southern Europe decide to take their pants down to raise money from the ladies, but then discover that they are completely naked, as they have been going commando for years.
Monti effect fizzles
Muppets take Manhattan
ReplyA motley crew venture to Manhattan aiming to make it big by protesting at Wall Street excess. They are soon enticed and begin advertising their CVs before taking on entry level, minimum wage jobs at the behemoths.
Debbie Does Davos.
ReplyDSK convenes a meeting of top bankers.
Enough said.
Survivor - Mexico ; Central Bankers around the world are dropped in the hot zone of Tijuana,and must make there way back over US border without any civilian\official help.They proceed to outwit-outlast-outplay the corrupt officialdom and crime gangs through monetary policies..
ReplyBB is later held hostage by one of the major gangs as when he was in the middle of deal, NY Dudley implemented QE5 , this of course depreciating the amount BB had arrange for the release and safe passage across the border for himself and fellow CB's.
ESCAPE!!!!!!!!
Pomp Fiction
ReplyThe Tories have lost their soul and the Eurosceptic want it back.
Under a bridge in Brussels lives an evil asexual paper troll by the name of Van Rompboy.
In order to save the Tories (and so the UK) the Eurosceptics must apprehend the evil paper troll before its too late
The Tories send down their best man Dick Cam to infiltrate the Brussels elite in order to locate said Troll.
Meanwhile under that bridge in Brussels Van Rompboy, and hosts a wife swapping party, a perfect opportunity for Dick Cam to serve veto and save the UK from soulless subjection to the paper Troll elite…
Will Dick Cam sans wife be able to infiltrate the wife swap meet in time...
Can Dick Cam avoid being back doored by Zedkozy and the Angler Gurgle...
Can he avoid the Strauss Khan basement gimp...
Celebrity Stars in Their Eyes, where everyone's favourite policymakers sing songs that carry personal significance:
ReplyBarack Obama is P. Diddy, singing about the inflationary impact of QE: Mo' Money, Mo' Problems!
Vince Cable is John Lennon, singing about his preferred solution to the UK's fiscal woes: Tax Man!
John Boehner is 2Umlimited, singing about his negotiating strategy to achieve a debt limit agreement with the President: No Limit!
Angela Merkel is Nena, singing about the European strategy to craft a solution to the financial crisis: 99 Trialballoons!
Jean-Claude Trichet is Neil Young, singing about how he formulated monetary policy: The Needle and the Damage Done!
And to wrap it up, Nicolas Sarkozy is Steve Winwood, singing about his sex drive since Carla gave birth: The Low Spark of High-heeled Boys!
How about Dave Cam doing his version of the Eton Rifles...
ReplyChildrens favourite: Curious George. George takes 30 mins to explore how on earth he is able to sell gilts so cheaply when rpi consistenly tops 5%. Together with his friend Merv monkey, he decides to not worry about it as their neighbour prudent saver bear looks like he's sorting everything out meaning that George and Merv can continue with their fantasy lives for the time being.
ReplyGETAWAY (holiday show) Greek financial minister takes fellow ministers from within the PIIGS administration on a guided tour of suitable destinations for staying on the lamb once the penny drops that their country is next in line for restructuring, the Irish financial minister could be heard whispering into his phone as they were observing the province of Fijuan..."PLEASE PLEASE - CUT ME LOOSE - LET ME FUCKIN GO!!!!!"
Replyps...yep..I know caps doesn't represent whispering!
Goldfinger.
ReplyA shortage of new movies means another outing on the BBC today for this old chestnut. Bond once again charms a girl out of her shorts, but she winds up a little stiff in the bedroom. Goldfinger plans world domination but in the end the market depressurizes and he falls to his death, while Bond enjoys some time alone with Pussy.
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