With apologies to Professor John Allen Paulos's lovely "A Mathematician reads the newspaper" , which TMM think is compulsory reading for all Daily Mail readers, we have been watching headlines glide past and as is usual with these short sound-bites have been guessing what they might really mean. We let you choose.
TSIPRAS SAYS EU WON'T CUT GREEK FUNDS OR EJECT GREECE FROM EURO
a) Oooh, that's nice! Now why didn't we realise it's that easy.
b) Ok, so he has some compromising photos of Mangler and Weidmann enjoying some form of Greek hospitality?
c) Tsipras? Is that the one with the cucumber and mint? Or the chick pea one?
d) Tsipras is a financial Assad - smooth suit, looks sane but is a financial psycho-nutter
DJN-DJ BUNDESBANK STEPS UP INTEREST IN AUS$ ASSETS - SOURCE
a) Well not a great surprise and typical of any institution wanting to diversify risk and pick up some yield
b) Next headline to be DJN-DJ GERMANY ACCEPTS AUD AS PAYMENT FOR ALL GOODS AND SERVICES WITHIN GERMAN BORDERS
c) b) To be followed by DJN-DJ GERMANY SAYS "YOU CAN ALSO PAY OF COURSE WITH THAT EURO THING IF YOU REALLY WANT, BUT DON'T EXPECT ANY CHANGE. YOU SURE YOU HAVE NO AUSSIE DOLLARS ON YOU?"
d) Forget it, no matter what the BUBA do AUD is still toast.
GERMAN 10-YEAR BUNDS STAY LOWER; YIELDS 9 BPS HIGHER AT 1.51%
a) The "get me out of all Europe", including the bund, trade?
b) The "Oh Germany are being sucked in to bail out others so therefore the Bund is not going to be as pure as the driven snow due to possible dilution effects - Sell" trade?
c) A general unwind of the periphery spread trade, or a start of it?
d) Bill Gross talking down bunds, as he looks for an opportunity to scoop them up on the cheap
e) A knock on effect from the Scandies imposing a moratorium so they don't need to buy cart loads of bunds at zip% just to keep the regulator happy, as Euro-refugees led by the SNB drive yields through the floor
SNB - Well there are constant comments about their EURCHF floor
a) SNB have become the Voldermort (see Glossary) of Europe
b) Europe will beg SNB to buy periphery debt
c) Scandinavians will beg the SNB NOT to buy their debt
d) US will accuse the Swiss of currency manipulation and impose sanctions
UKIP leader Nigel Farage's gives his speech in the European Parliament.
a) Hmm, a well balanced argument, even if I pretend he is a joke for intellectual reasons
b) He is the Messiah of Europe! Why do those corpulent Euro-morons around him mock?
c) Phnarf... Zis little man knows nothing about our master plan as he is not part of it, one day he will see the error of his ways
d) What? What do you mean we have no master plan?
From the sports pages - A lovely line doing the rounds in the City today -
GREECE: UNCONFIRMED reports that after losing to Czech Rep yesterday, Greece have applied to borrow 3 points from UEFA.
And finally we had another headline asking us to help out the Roche company "Children's Walk". Whilst it is a good cause, we really think that someone in Roche's corporate communications department might have pointed out that the picture on their page is just plain WRONG! http://www.roche.com/corporate_responsibility/society/community/childrenswalk.htm [16th june update - we see that thanks to one of our readers tweeting this to Roche, they have actually changed the picture used!]
TMM are away travelling for the rest of the week so unfortunately will not be back til post Tsiprageddon.
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