Football !... Soccer!.. Playing in a dealing room near you....

Oh dear. Football is about to dominate the markets and Team Macro Man are crap at football. Since they have always been surrounded at work by so many experts in the field of "Foopball" they have never needed to nurture any knowledge of their own. The name of any goalkeeper's granny can always be gleaned within nanoseconds from the veritable verbal wikipedia that surrounds them.

Dont get us wrong though , we have picked up a few things.

That man in black is the equivalent to the FSA/SEC. He chases along, following the game rather than leading it, throwing down retrospective edicts and punishments. He often forgets he is on the pitch rather than viewing from afar and that any new rule will change the flow of play in unforeseen and unintended ways.

Linesmen - Compliance officers. not actually on the pitch, but run up and down on the sidelines enforcing the bidding of the man in black, pointing the finger of blame at anyone they think might have transgressed one of the anachronistic rules. Not as important as the man in black, though they think they are. Have been given flags to wave to make them look more authoritative but they would rather have big whistles (so to speak).

The Goalkeeper - He's a large US ex-investment bank, the only one allowed to cheat by handling the ball and who shouts at the rest of the team when he isn't doing anything else. The rest of the team's performance is inversely correlated to the proximity he is to the action.

Strikers - Petulant overpaid primadonna's who are given the best position on the pitch from which to score Goals. Idolised and worshipped by the fans, tolerated by the management because of the goals handed to them on a plate, hated by the rest of their team mates who do the graft and who finally come a cropper by being caught out doing something they shouldn't. At which point they suddenly find they haven't got any mates. Sound familiar?

The Coach - Desk head, one level above the guys who play the matches. Only on the pitch to train and encourage, the rest of the time is spent shuffling papers. Was once a lesser name himself. Teaches traditional skills he learnt in the old days in the old fashioned way. Under pressure from above to get results which produces unpredictable mood swings of shouting, yelling and snap punishments, mixed with teary reminiscences of the glory days.

The Manager - Glass goldfish bowl on the floor above. Plays numbers, people and politics with equal skill. Has trodden on a lot of people to get where he is both on and off the field. Gets away with bad mouthing the competition and anyone internally in his way, though to the investors he is sweetness and light and a man who brings in results. If he doesn't - he s out at the end of the season. Sometimes an old successful striker (see above) who hasn't tripped himself up so far.

Scoring a A Goal - "My Goal! My Goal! My Goal!" - Obviously completing a deal. Everyone who touched the ball or came within 20 yards of it in the last 1/2 hour wants a piece of the glory. Victory dances are often over the top, self indulgent and upset the away supporters. Sometimes involve large bills for Petrus.

Conceding a Goal - "Your fault, Your fault, Your fault," - Missing the deal. Everyone denies any part in the episode, finger pointing ensues with the blame finally being firmly stuck on the back of the person who really wasn't involved and hadn't even noticed the event. Normally the youngest player.

The offside rule - designed to stop a "Kerviel" or "Leeson". Overly complicated, hard to understand, hugely debatable and normally spotted too late. Everyone blames everyone else once denying the occurrence of the offence it was designed to stop fails.

The Fouls - Well how are we meant to beat our competitors without pushing the envelope of risk and rules? If caught protest your innocence vehemently and then blame the bloke in black for being an idiot (see above). The punishments are normally light enough not to deter future attempts. "Unlucky you were caught".

A Penalty - Being handed a near certain winner because of someone else's cock-up or conning the man in black into believing an injustice has been suffered. JPMorgan were awarded a penalty and scored a "Bear Stearns".

Lloyds Plc , however, managed to completely muff a sitter when they were awarded a penalty, kicking the ball straight back into their own faces to score a "Halifax".

So we hunker down and brace ourselves for a new round of nationalism which really isn't needed. There is too much of it elsewhere at the moment with the England/USA match billed for tomorrow kicking off a week early via Obama vs BP. Every rule has been challenged and broken. Protests are fierce on and off the pitch and no one knows where the man in black is......or was.

May your favourite team win ............. unless it's playing ours.