October 7, 2007
Minutes of the tri-annual meeting of the Secret Projects and Conspiracies Subcommittee of the Order of the Rosicrucians, Pentavirate, and llluminati.
In attendance: The Committee Secretary, Brother Paulson, Brother Rosenkreutz, Brother Zhou, Brother Roth, Brother Mortlock, and Grand Master Greenspan. Brother Rosenkreutz called the meeting to order and requested that each member provide a progress report of his project.
Brother Paulson reported on the successful manipulation of the employment data of the United States. An agent of the Order successfully "misplaced" the August payroll filings of school districts in California, Texas, New York, Illinois, and Pennsylvania, thus creating the impression of negative employment growth for the month. After this produced the desired effect, an aggressive interest rate cut from Grand Master Greenspan's agent in the Federal Reserve, Brother Paulson's agent replaced the "missing"files. Brother Paulson reported that the Order's portfolio increased in value by 12.3% in September.
Brother Zhou reported that the manipulation of the European single currency continues to be successful. In association with Brother Ignatiev, Brother Zhou has continued to divert funds from his nominal employer into purchasing euros at inflated prices. Brother Zhou reported that the French government is uncomfortable with the level of their currency. Grand Master Greenspan observed that they cannot be as uncomfortable as King Philippe IV made Grand Master de Molay and the rest of our Order in 1314, and urged Brother Zhou to continue his campaign to bankrupt France.
Brother Roth reported some difficulties in his project to depress the level of gold. He noted that the Order's agents had been unsuccessful in their attempts to circumvent the Washington Agreement and stated that some Enemies had bought so-called "futures" on gold to drive up the price. He also remarked that certain types of tin-foil headgear were becoming resistant to the Order's mind-meld device. Grand Master Greenspan suggested that Brother Roth employ certain agents in the hedge fund industry to engage on a speculative attack on gold, and Brother Roth agreed to look into it. Brother Roth summed up by stating that the Order now controls 57.8% of all known bullion and underground gold deposits. Brother Greenspan reminded him that he would need to depress the bullion price to levels below $700 if the Order were going to be able to purchase sufficient quantities to meet the year-end target of controlling 60% of all known supplies.
Brother Mortlock reported a highly successful manipulation of the Rugby World Cup quarterfinals, as overwhelming favourites Australia and New Zealand both lost on Saturday. Brother Mortlock expressed some concern that his role may be detected, given the number of important kicks that he missed against England. Brother Rosenkreutz assured him that press reports mentioned no suggestion of foul play. Brother Mortlock noted that he spoke by telephone to Brother Barnes late on Saturday night, and that while the New Zealand camp was unhappy, there was no suspicion of foul play. Unfortunately, the attempt to engineer a Fiji victory against South Africa proved to be unsuccessful. Nevertheless, Brother Mortlock reported gambling revenues in excess of £50 million for the weekend.
Finally, Grand Master Greenspan reported that sales of his "memoirs" have exceeded expectations. Brother Paulson expressed amusement that Grand Master Greenspan avoided mention of the Order's Plunge Protection Team throughout the entire book, while Brother Zhou noted that Grand Master Greenspan managed to conceal that Brother Boskin is the member of the Order charged with the systematic understatement of inflation.
After this summary, Brother Roth's motion to invest in an improved anti-tin foil mind-meld machine passed unanimously.
The Committee then approved the minutes of the previous meeting and authorized the Secretary to inscribe the minutes of this meeting. Brother Rosenkreutz called the meeting to a close.
Signed and Authorized,
Brother E. Presley
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