Markets menagerie Part 1

TMM have just been led through the client managerie by some sell side friends... This is what they were shown.

Horribilis Petulenca

Screams, demands attention, throws toys out of its pram and is convinced it is 10 years older than it is. Normally lives on a hedge fund execution desk. The pram is rocked by senior Hedge Fund PMs.

Dickus Arrogancis

Used to live on an execution desk but has now been given its own money to manage - hooting and hollering, throwing its own excrement around and demanding even more attention.

Deum Fundi

Big Hedge Fund Boss that can devour a whole market in one attack.

Smuggus Smuggus

Work directly for the Deum Fundi and consider they have a more professional persona than the Horribilis petulenca. Clean morsels from the teeth of the Deum and shelter under it immune from attack from the rest of the market. However should the Deum Fundi die they need to find a new one quickly as they will find they are alone in a hostile environment.

Mentor Perfectum

Sage old Portfolio Manager willingly discusses ideas, themes and positions and trades in a relaxed manner.

Mentor Shaftus

Sage old PM willingly discusses ideas, themes and positions and trades in a relaxed manner, but will then trade the opposite way to the views it had just been expressing when made a price.

Meanus Reversioni

Sits there unobserved just watching for a complex market arbitrage. When it exists it will dart out a tongue, grab the price, blend back into the background and vanish as it waits for the next opportunity.

Meanus Reversioni Explodo

It thought The Arb worked so regularly, it over indulged and exploded.

Optioni Bastardo

Asks multiple complex option prices until someone inevitably makes a mistake in pricing, falls into their trap and is held to the price.

Commoditi Minor

All slowly travelling the same way in a herd, can be seen a mile off, consistently trying to avoid the crocodiles when they traverse the markets. Pure size and volume means they will ultimately get there even if the carnivores take a few on the way.

Fullamounti Onlyyous

Brokers are convinced they have held its sole attention all the way through the trade, yet it still manages to give 7 other brokers at the same time and cover its tracks with black ink, leaving red ink at the banks.

Benchmarkus Defendi

Passive bond pension fund. Clings to its benchmark and finally moves once everyone else has already left the scene

Packus Giganticus

Real money funds. Unstoppable slow moving mass. You do not want to be in their way.

Micro Adnauseam

Tiny corporate client flapping its wings in a high pitch hum, expecting top coverage as they are now in the "wholesale market" rather than speaking to one of the bank’s branches in the sticks.

Inquisitivo Banditii

Climb all over your option products, want to know how they work, strip them to bits, nick the juicy bits and then sh1t on your windscreen.

Taxificus Loftii

Finance director. Looks way down upon everyone else so far below it. How could they possibly understand the complexities of tax issues it faces at its lofty level?

Hero Seniorum

Did you not know it was the king of the Jungle once? Will roar and growl just like it used to but with its glory days behind it, the small fund or treasury it is at now really doesn't give it the teeth or claws to do any damage.

Iappi Matei

Everyone's pretend mate as long as they give it tidbits of information and "special treat" rates. Will be constantly yapping trivia and mateyness but will nip you on the ankle or piss on your leg given half a chance. Normal habitat is agency brokerages.

Dickus Tickus

A blood sucker. Asks a price but instead of paying the offer leaves a bid mid market to try and save paying a spread. The market inevitably moves away, leaving it blaming the broker for not getting them in rather than itself for not sacrificing a potential tick for the risk.

Auto Adulati

Spends its time parading its own intellectual splendour, views and knowledge rather than listening to anything anyone else has to say. Will parade for hours yet never put on an actual trade.

Goldmani Adorum

Blindly follows what only one US Ex-investment bank says. Nothing else matters

Expensi Adorum

Blindly follows the biggest expense account. Nothing else matters.

Voldemorti et al

Run large FX reserves. Enough said.

Perfecto Perfecti

The perfect client. Intelligent, wise, fair, sensible and good company. You and us of course!
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Click here for comments
January 19, 2011 at 4:33 PM ×

fantastic! lost of folks in this industry do conjure up the phrase "sub-human"

January 19, 2011 at 5:20 PM ×

Nice - particularly like the "don't be a dick for a tick" reference.

January 20, 2011 at 3:59 PM ×

You blokes have nothing better to do? tx for the laughs, though.