Congressional Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

Watching the train wreck of US Congress conjures up images of two characters in an action movie fighting it out on the roof of a train as it approaches a bridge or tunnel or broken line. Only in this case we don't care who wins as long as they just stop the train.

This led us to research recognised ways of surviving when riding the top of a train and we found this in the Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

How to Maneuver on Top of a Moving Train and Get Inside

1. Do not try to stand up straight (you probably will not be able to anyway):Stay bent slightly forward, leaning into the wind. If the train is moving faster than thirty miles per hours, it will be difficult to maintain your balance and resist the wind, so crawling on all fours may be the best method until you can get down. .

2. If the train is approaching a turn, lie flat; do not try to keep your footing: The car may have guide rails along the edge to direct water. If it does, grab them and hold on. .

3. If the train is approaching a tunnel entrance, lie flat, and quickly: There is actually quite a bit of clearance between the top of the train and top of the tunnel-about three feet-but not nearly enough room to stand. Do not assume that you can walk or crawl to the end of the car to get down and inside before you reach the tunnel-you probably won’t. .

4. Move your body with the rhythm of the train-from side to side and forward: Do not proceed in a straight line. Spread your feet apart about thirty-six inches and wobble side to side as you move forward.

Warning - the sizes and shapes of the cars on a freight train may vary widely. this can make it either easier or significantly more difficult to cross from one car to another, A 12-ft boxcar may be next to a flatbed or a rounded chem car.


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This is obviously modelled on the Congressional Ultimate Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook entry.

How to Maneuver on a Ridiculous Impasse and Get Up on the Inside

1. Do not try to stand up straight (you probably will not be able to anyway as you are a politician): Stay bent slightly forward, leaning into the resistance. If the issue is moving faster than your simple mind can comprehend, it will be difficult to maintain your balance and resist the pressure, so crawling on all fours may be the best method until you can climb down.

2. If your policy is approaching a turn, lie flat; do not try to keep your footing: Your party may have guides along the edge to direct policy. If it does, grab them and hold on and go with the flow.

3. If the impasse is approaching a deadline, lie flat, and quickly: There is actually quite a bit of clearance between the impasse and political death - about six weeks, but not nearly enough room to stand for election again. Do not assume that you can persuade the opposition to agree to step down before you reach the deadline - you probably won’t.

4. Move your view with the rhythm of the opinion polls -from side to side and forward: Do not proceed in a straight line. Spread your feet apart, ignore common sense and wobble side to side as you move forward.

With the additional tip -

5. If you see a broken bridge coming up ahead DO NOT alert the driver, everything will be just fine, just keep on fighting.

Warning - The sizes and shapes of egos in Congress may vary widely. This can make it either easier or significantly more difficult to jump from one solution to another. A 6-ft bonehead may be next to a 5ft knucklehead or a rounded obfuscater.
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Anonymous
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October 17, 2013 at 6:48 AM ×

C Says
And after all that I have a sneaking suspicion that the markets will be underwhelmed by politics and more interested in earnings and growth which have hardly featured because of the space given to Bonehead et al.

Congrats bro Anonymous you got PERTAMAX...! hehehehe...
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