Dear Uncle Ben
Thank you very much for the lovely present that you gave me for my birthday. It was so delightful and will come in very useful. I can just imagine you asking the shopkeeper for the least garish or outrageous statement they had as your intentions to please are nothing but honourable. For this I would like to say a very, very big thank you.
When I unwrapped your gift in front of the family I was delighted with your choice of calming words associated with steady growth, but unfortunately at the mention of "tapering" my bonds instantly spewed their guts up all over the floor. Still, these things happen and it could have just been a bad portfolio adjustment they had the night before. It was only when your mentioning of target unemployment rates coincided with our emerging market portfolio re-enacting that scene from Alien where the hero's chest explodes, that we wondered if something might be more generally amiss. However we put this notion aside as our European equities looked just fine.
Until this morning, that is, as when they woke they had blood pissing from every orifice. At first we thought that they had caught Ebola and so took them to the Hospital for Tropical Medicine where the doctors were baffled. But when we mentioned the symptoms suffered by our USTs, emerging market portfolios and, as we had since discovered, the hang drawing and quartering of our Aussie dollar, they became concerned and called us aside.
Now this might appear a little speculative, but they suggested that there is a small chance that the cause of all the calamities our family has suffered over the last 24 hours may in fact be associated with your very generous present. Far be it for me to cast aspersions, but I thought it only wise and fair, despite my own faith in your kindness, to pass these concerns on to you should you be thinking of presenting any similar statements in the near future.
Best wishes and thank you again
Your very needy nephew
PS . My dad says "If that ()&^""£ ever tries a dumb %RS^ trick like that again he can take himself and his mortgaged country and stick it up his QE *&%£" no matter how cheap his shale gas is. Does he know how long it took me to build that Indonesian corp bond position?" I'm not sure what a lot of the long words mean but he and his portfolio went very red and he has passed out on the sofa unrousable, even by the wild cheering coming from Mr Shorty next door.