Saturday, April 14, 2012
TMM are today feeling old. Yesterday was a struggle. Despite a 30 minute power-nap before dinner they felt "urrgh" throughout the meze-athon in a Cypriot restaurant decorated in a melange of authentic style and black marker-pen client graffiti. But then this is day 2 into a tradition that stretches far back in history. As Socrates famously wrote, "Many hours have I sat in solice, drinking beach buckets of luminous green fluids and shot glasses of equally vivid pink liquours, contemplating the origin of this maddness for I am wracked as to the primordance of the concepts of marriage or those of the stag party"
This place goes by the name of Ayia Napa. It sits upon ancient ley-lines that twist the very fabric of space and time, for was it not 9pm a fleeting moment ago, when we wanted to go to bed, and yet now it's 3.30am and sorry I can't hear you? And that ley-line twisting continues into the minds of the club designers (how do you get that full size pirate ship to stay on the front of your shop?) and twists our minds to even cope with being here.
Of course TMM could say that they are here to celebrate Greek Orthodox Easter, but that would be even more of a lie than "yes, your club looks great and wow how many bottles of sambuca for 10 Euro? I'll go and get my 15 friends and be back in 15 mins.. I promise" but not quite as big a lie as the swarthy fellow on the door with "Don't worry, I do you 'special' price".
TMM have discovered if you order anything in Cyprus, say x, you get "special Cypriot x". Special, made in mountain/village/family goat by uncle/grandfather/family goat. And it's very special indeed. But basically Cypriot x is similar to normal x and only differs in being more expensive and... shite.
For example. White wine.. "This is special Cypriot wine, it's like a sauvignon blanc....". but is not and smells of BO. The red? "Yes we have Cypriot red, very special, it is like a cabernet" but it is not and it tastes of musk ox. Very special.
What's this? "This is special liquour, we call it (sounds like "ghalachosinosisisos") it is made using grapes and we take them and turn them into special drink, come come I bring for all. It is made in the mountains using old tradition that no one can remember, to make special taste, that taste like brown sticky fluid in the bottom of food waste recycling bucket after 5 week bin-man strike.. Eees very special. We serve it frozen so you can taste it a little less.. very special"
Last night was "Opening night at Bedrock" which was much like a cross between a BBC Radio One roadshow, Butlins and a McDonalds - if McDonalds were to make McShots, McJaegerbombs and McWhats-this-one-i dunno-just-drink-its.
"And come, I show you, my club full of special pretty friends, yes very pretty, they is made using recessive genes from Northern Europe that would never normally see the light of day, notice how none of them have any dorsal line symmetry? And, ah yes sir, you cannot work out where their dorsal line run? Too many kebabs perhaps.. "
Taxis are special too. They are all stretch limos and come with a special fixed price which switches to a special dynamic price that goes up between departure and arrival. "Because it is special Cyprus price" Ahh, we see! And there we were thinking it was because we are getting special Cyprus driving, where which way you go around roundabouts depends on the shortest route to your exit.. "no ees ok, it not high season, not many cars"
Well at 3.30am after a special bar bill, (made using special Cyprus maths taught to Cypriot waiters from the age of 2) and a special unnecessary hot dog.. (ees special as it no easy to make a food product out of crude oil, you like? Perhaps your friend ..he likes?). We arrived back to the hotel for some special sleep. It's like normal sleep only much much shorter and one wakes to find one's head nailed to the pillow, a dead hedgehog in the mouth and a gallon of battery acid in the digestive system. "Eees special Cyprus sleep, you like?"
So what does today bring? TMM are writing this from the special 2 hour bus trip to the special wine tasting in special mountains wondering if they can squeeze in a special nap, despite Swedish House Mafia's "One" rocking everyone around us, before we all head off for our big special night out in the special clubs of Limasol.
TMM are slightly concerned that Day 3 could be a bit special.