Thursday, April 22, 2010
As short sterling gets clattered (yet again) and the pound tempts the unwary with its siren song, Macro Man is pleased to offer a sneak peak at this evening's party leaders' debate on international affairs:
Adam Boulton (moderator): Welcome to the second party leaders' debate, right here on Sky TV! For just £65 a month, plus £199 for the box, plus £130 for annual insurance, you could be watching this debate in breathtaking HD! Operators are standing by! Two of them, in fact, so you'll only need to wait an hour and 45 minutes before speaking to someone! Call now!
And now.......LET'S GET READY TO RUUUMMMBBBBLLLLEEEEEEEEEE. In the blue corner, from the Conservatives, David Cameron! In the red corner, from the Labour Party, Gordon Brown! And in the yellow corner, from the Liberal Democrats, a man who needs no introduction, your next UK Prime Minister, Nick Clegg!
OK gentlemen, first question, what are your views and plans for Afghanistan? Mr. Brown.
Gordon Brown: Well, first of all, let me just pay tribute to our brave soldiers in Afghanistan. They are true heroes, and without them, we wouldn't have any soldiers in Afghanistan.
AB: David Cameron.
David Cameron: Allow me to join Gordon in paying tribute to our brave men and women on the other side of the world. It's not easy fighting the Taliban armed only with a rubber band, a deck of cards, and a decoder ring from a box of Sugar Smacks. It's an absolute disgrace that they are out there so under-equipped. That's why a Conservative government would invest in our troops, to give them what they need to win the fight. And so I am promising tonight that each and every one of our brave troops will have access to the entire library of MacGyver on DVD, to prepare them for fighting the Taliban using a rubber band, deck of cards, and cereal-box decoder ring.
GB: Och! What the Tories won't tell you is that you can only get all seven series on the North American NTSC format! Only series 1,2, and 3 are available on PAL!
AB: Nick Clegg.
Nick Clegg: What these two donuts won't tell you is that we have zero chance of winning in Afghanistan. Zero. So while I join Gordon and David in paying tribute to our brave troops, the Liberal Democrats would bring them all- as well as the rubber bands, decks of cards, and decoder rings- back home where they belong.
DC: What a girly-man.
AB: Let's move on. What do you plan to do about Iraq? Gordon Brown.
GB: The next Labour government will almost certainly commit to sending Tony's old dog collar, leash, and poodle-grooming kit to George W. Bush at his ranch. But let me just pay tribute to our brave soldiers in Iraq. They are true heroes, and without them, we wouldn't have any soldiers in Iraq.
DC: The history books (at least the ones written in Britain) will tell you that our brave soldiers are undefeated since 1066. I am not going to be the one that breaks that record, I can tell you.
NC: What these two donuts won't tell you is that we have zero chance of winning in Iraq. Zero. So while I join Gordon and David in paying tribute to our brave troops, the Liberal Democrats would bring them all- as well as the rubber bands, decks of cards, and decoder rings- back home where they belong.
AB: OK, let's shift gears. What do you think about Britain's nuclear arsenal?
GB: I think it's swell.
DC: We were the third country in the world to achieve nuclear capability. That's bronze medal territory, and I am not going to be the leader that takes Britain back to fighting long-range wars with extra-large rubber bands, I can tell you.
NC: We would nuke it, if you'll pardon the pun. It costs 4 billion quid to update and maintain our Trident missiles, and Gordon already pissed that money away into Fred Goodwin's pension and hiring the entire county of Rutland to design new administrative forms.
GB: What would you do if we're attacked?
NC: By what, a bloke holding a rock in one hand and a shepherd's crook in the other? Last time I checked, Osama bid Laden wasn't standing up in the Hindu Kush, cocking a snook at Britain and chanting "0-0....to the Arsenal...."
AB: What about terrorism and granting safe harbour and legal aid to hook-wearing preachers of hate?
DC: Chuck the bums out!
GB: I would need to hire the entire East Riding of Yorkshire to conduct a feasibility study.
NC: We're in favour of it! The more the merrier! Turn the other cheek and give peace a chance!
AB: What about our near neighbours in Europe. How would you deal with the EU?
DC: Hee hee, they're more tin-tucked than we are, believe it or not! It's an Englishman's, excuse me, a Briton's God-given right to nip down his local for a cheeky pint, and the Conservative Party will fight tooth and nail to preserve this cornerstone of our society.
GB: If only the Greeks had listened to me when I was saving the world, they wouldn't be in this mess.
NC: What these two won't tell you is that Britain is sick and tired of seeing the Queen's leering face on all our money! We believe in a fair society where everyone is more or less equal. That's why we want to join the euro, where we can blame someone else for all our problems and commiserate with everyone else who's buggered.
DC: So you don't want to pay for any wars or weapons, but you're happy to pay for a bunch of terrorists and tax-dodging Greeks?
GB: Ooookkkaaaaay. How the hell can I be losing to this guy?
AB: Beats me. Sadly, that's all we have time for. My thanks to Gordon Brown, David Cameron, and Nick Clegg. Coming up next on Sky One (after sixteen minutes of adverts, of course): Premier League Curling in glorious HD!!!!!