Team Macro Man have been compiling their Market Top Tips in the style of UK's "Viz" magazine.
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Pit Traders - Why not show off the weight of your brain by displaying it on a neck fit for an elephant.
Pretend you have a highly paid job in finance by willingly paying the astronomical prices city bars demand.
Wealth Advisors. Why not cold call everyone on Bloomberg on the assumption that they all have vast fortunes they don't know what to do with.
Head Hunters - Why not make the recipient of your call feel really special by immediately calling back on the same number and asking to speak to the person next to them.
Management - Surprise everyone by managing UP expectations at year end.
Analysts - Display your mastery of English by writing 16 pages of analysis when the single words "buy" or "sell" would do.
Shouting "F***ING SYSTEMS!" and smashing your keyboard into your desk makes an ideal alternative to apologising for your own input error.
HF CIOs: Telling PMs which trades would've made money after the fact is a great way to show your superiority
Sales - Why not show off your mastery of both sides of a price by shouting out the wrong one when the client deals.
Forwards dealer? Dealt on the wrong side? Just insist you were dealing futures conventions.
Emerging market traders - Learning the names of the capitals of the countries you trade in is an ideal way of showing a knowledge of your markets.
Emerging market traders - Once you have learnt the names of the capitals of the countries you trade in, pronouncing them in ridiculous accents is an ideal way of showing a knowledge of your markets.
Analysts - Using the word "exhibit" instead of "chart" or "table" in research is an ideal way of showing you are a failed lawyer.
TV Business Anchors - Starting a piece with "You know what? I know nothing about this" makes an ideal alternative to an over-confident pretence.
Fund managers - Suffering from huge negative returns? Benchmark to something that has done worse.
Want to offload your huge share of bank stock to a gullible buyer? Privatise the Royal Mail at a discount first.
A cumulative graph is an ideal way of ensuring a graph that goes up on the right.
99/01 makes an ideal price in anything that is fixed at par.
Pretend you are an options trader by randomly shouting "And I want it {insert 3 random greek letters} hedged".
Pretend you own your own e-trading platform by mentioning latency in every sentence.
Asked why a market is fast moving? "Stop losses" makes an ideal alternative reply to "I haven't a clue"
Back Office. Have an urgent settlement query? Make it un-urgent by addressing it to the trader involved by second class post.
Traders - Don't know what spread to make? Just make choice and shout at the sales guy for not spreading a gift.
Huge loss? Save face by justifying it "for tax reasons".
Been out with your friends drinking 'til 4am and are sick at your desk? Blame it on a client.
Relationship management - Pretend you are an Agatha Christie murderer by weaving a web of deceit about what you have or haven't done.
HR - Dress for the part! Wear a dark cloak and carry a scythe when creeping up behind someone to "tap them on the shoulder"
Traders -unsure of your position? - Buying 100x your limit is an ideal way to know you are now long.
Options dealers - If you wait long enough before making a price the client will most probably go away.
Metals traders - Why not show off your market acumen by remarking on huge demand for metals every time the dollar craps out.
Kicking the power off button on the PC under your desk makes an ideal way of avoiding complex pricing.
Fibonacci levels make an ideal alternative to knowledge.
Head Hunters - show off the depth of your rolodex by asking candidates to connect on linked in
Pretend you are senior management by confidently asking questions that betray your lack of knowledge of the basics.
Relationship management - Why not introduce your company's biggest competitor as a client as they obviously trade large amounts of your product.
Back office - Pretend you are a trader of 25 years ago by slicking back your hair and wearing Gordon Gekko braces.
Sales - Shouting "Nothing, Too Wide!" at the trader is an ideal way to cover up you forgot to get the price out.
Impress your dealing room colleagues by having a friend mail you large empty boxes embossed in top designer logos.
A slide presentation of illegibly dense spread sheets makes an ideal way of saying you have no social skills.
Clients. Calling all your banks asking for a complex derivative in 100x market size and telling each "nothing too wide" makes an ideal way of passing a dull day.
Traders - Asking "How much? For who(m)?" six times makes an ideal way of buying time to trade ahead of the client.
Sales - not answering the phone is an ideal way not to make a mistake.
Analysts - Making a forecast which involves price AND time is an ideal way to be wrong.
Technical Analysts- struggling with non performing trend lines? - try a log graph.
Elliot Wave analysts - the wave count doesn't fit? Easy .. just change it.
Hungover? A disabled toilet makes an ideal midday bedroom.
Junior on the lunch run? - When offered to "get something for yourself" buy a new suit.
A recently resigned/fired colleague makes an ideal scapegoat.
The matrix title background displayed full screen makes an ideal IT wind up.
Telling your boss that you were never told you had to book any of the trades you have done for the last 2 years is an ideal way to induce his cardiac arrest.
Having a glass corner office is an ideal way of not having to produce anything.
Traders - randomly standing up and screaming "YES , OH JESUS ,YES!!" is an ideal way of making people think you are a good trader.
Management - Introducing new protocols and systems every year is an ideal way to f*ck everyone off.
Regulator - Making it everyone else's responsibility is an ideal way to avoid responsibility
Compliance - Making it everyone else's responsibility is an ideal way to avoid responsibility.
Management - Making it everyone else's responsibility is an ideal way to avoid responsibility.
Compliance - Introducing online regulatory training is an ideal way of ensuring everyone has a reason to be fired.
Brokers - Telling witty football stories is an ideal way of best pleasing a client desperate to get out of a position.
A Sinclair ZX80 or Commodore 64 makes an ideal replacement for many banks' trading platforms.
HR - Randomly blocking 2% of the security entry cards each day is an ideal way to keep staff on their toes.
Fund Consultants - Charging fees for pointing out the past without any responsibility for the future makes an ideal way to earn a living.
Strategy - A set of dice make an ideal analysis tool.
Spot traders - Shouting loudest is an ideal way to win an argument.
Fix fixers - Using Bloomberg IB chat to communicate all your misdeeds is an ideal way to be caught.
Business analysts - Why not insist all lower desk heads provide irrelevant data and analysis which you know they don't have.
HR - Silently walk around the dealing room putting a sticker on each fourth desk.
Management - "Focusing on core strengths" makes an ideal mantra for buying yourself another year.
Management- Introducing tolls at the security stiles in reception. makes an ideal revenue earner.
Back office - Employ speakers of obscure tongues to add that extra level of excitement to urgent phone queries.
Cleaners - Stretching bin liners trampoline tight over the bins and setting up a dry cleaners is an ideal way to supplement your income.
Money Market dealers - hanging a wooden sign over your desk displaying "5/8, 1/2" is an ideal alternative to making prices all year.
Option dealers - offering a client 1mth EUR/USD makes an ideal alternative if he asks for 3mth SGD/JPY RKOs.
Suing someone for money you have lost makes an ideal alternative to facing up to your own stupidity.
Why not make your next year's targets seem less surreal by dropping acid.
---------------
The comments section is open for additions.
-----
Pit Traders - Why not show off the weight of your brain by displaying it on a neck fit for an elephant.
Pretend you have a highly paid job in finance by willingly paying the astronomical prices city bars demand.
Wealth Advisors. Why not cold call everyone on Bloomberg on the assumption that they all have vast fortunes they don't know what to do with.
Head Hunters - Why not make the recipient of your call feel really special by immediately calling back on the same number and asking to speak to the person next to them.
Management - Surprise everyone by managing UP expectations at year end.
Analysts - Display your mastery of English by writing 16 pages of analysis when the single words "buy" or "sell" would do.
Shouting "F***ING SYSTEMS!" and smashing your keyboard into your desk makes an ideal alternative to apologising for your own input error.
HF CIOs: Telling PMs which trades would've made money after the fact is a great way to show your superiority
Sales - Why not show off your mastery of both sides of a price by shouting out the wrong one when the client deals.
Forwards dealer? Dealt on the wrong side? Just insist you were dealing futures conventions.
Emerging market traders - Learning the names of the capitals of the countries you trade in is an ideal way of showing a knowledge of your markets.
Emerging market traders - Once you have learnt the names of the capitals of the countries you trade in, pronouncing them in ridiculous accents is an ideal way of showing a knowledge of your markets.
Analysts - Using the word "exhibit" instead of "chart" or "table" in research is an ideal way of showing you are a failed lawyer.
TV Business Anchors - Starting a piece with "You know what? I know nothing about this" makes an ideal alternative to an over-confident pretence.
Fund managers - Suffering from huge negative returns? Benchmark to something that has done worse.
Want to offload your huge share of bank stock to a gullible buyer? Privatise the Royal Mail at a discount first.
A cumulative graph is an ideal way of ensuring a graph that goes up on the right.
99/01 makes an ideal price in anything that is fixed at par.
Pretend you are an options trader by randomly shouting "And I want it {insert 3 random greek letters} hedged".
Pretend you own your own e-trading platform by mentioning latency in every sentence.
Asked why a market is fast moving? "Stop losses" makes an ideal alternative reply to "I haven't a clue"
Back Office. Have an urgent settlement query? Make it un-urgent by addressing it to the trader involved by second class post.
Traders - Don't know what spread to make? Just make choice and shout at the sales guy for not spreading a gift.
Huge loss? Save face by justifying it "for tax reasons".
Been out with your friends drinking 'til 4am and are sick at your desk? Blame it on a client.
Relationship management - Pretend you are an Agatha Christie murderer by weaving a web of deceit about what you have or haven't done.
HR - Dress for the part! Wear a dark cloak and carry a scythe when creeping up behind someone to "tap them on the shoulder"
Traders -unsure of your position? - Buying 100x your limit is an ideal way to know you are now long.
Options dealers - If you wait long enough before making a price the client will most probably go away.
Metals traders - Why not show off your market acumen by remarking on huge demand for metals every time the dollar craps out.
Kicking the power off button on the PC under your desk makes an ideal way of avoiding complex pricing.
Fibonacci levels make an ideal alternative to knowledge.
Head Hunters - show off the depth of your rolodex by asking candidates to connect on linked in
Pretend you are senior management by confidently asking questions that betray your lack of knowledge of the basics.
Relationship management - Why not introduce your company's biggest competitor as a client as they obviously trade large amounts of your product.
Back office - Pretend you are a trader of 25 years ago by slicking back your hair and wearing Gordon Gekko braces.
Sales - Shouting "Nothing, Too Wide!" at the trader is an ideal way to cover up you forgot to get the price out.
Impress your dealing room colleagues by having a friend mail you large empty boxes embossed in top designer logos.
A slide presentation of illegibly dense spread sheets makes an ideal way of saying you have no social skills.
Clients. Calling all your banks asking for a complex derivative in 100x market size and telling each "nothing too wide" makes an ideal way of passing a dull day.
Traders - Asking "How much? For who(m)?" six times makes an ideal way of buying time to trade ahead of the client.
Sales - not answering the phone is an ideal way not to make a mistake.
Analysts - Making a forecast which involves price AND time is an ideal way to be wrong.
Technical Analysts- struggling with non performing trend lines? - try a log graph.
Elliot Wave analysts - the wave count doesn't fit? Easy .. just change it.
Hungover? A disabled toilet makes an ideal midday bedroom.
Junior on the lunch run? - When offered to "get something for yourself" buy a new suit.
A recently resigned/fired colleague makes an ideal scapegoat.
The matrix title background displayed full screen makes an ideal IT wind up.
Telling your boss that you were never told you had to book any of the trades you have done for the last 2 years is an ideal way to induce his cardiac arrest.
Having a glass corner office is an ideal way of not having to produce anything.
Traders - randomly standing up and screaming "YES , OH JESUS ,YES!!" is an ideal way of making people think you are a good trader.
Management - Introducing new protocols and systems every year is an ideal way to f*ck everyone off.
Regulator - Making it everyone else's responsibility is an ideal way to avoid responsibility
Compliance - Making it everyone else's responsibility is an ideal way to avoid responsibility.
Management - Making it everyone else's responsibility is an ideal way to avoid responsibility.
Compliance - Introducing online regulatory training is an ideal way of ensuring everyone has a reason to be fired.
Brokers - Telling witty football stories is an ideal way of best pleasing a client desperate to get out of a position.
A Sinclair ZX80 or Commodore 64 makes an ideal replacement for many banks' trading platforms.
HR - Randomly blocking 2% of the security entry cards each day is an ideal way to keep staff on their toes.
Fund Consultants - Charging fees for pointing out the past without any responsibility for the future makes an ideal way to earn a living.
Strategy - A set of dice make an ideal analysis tool.
Spot traders - Shouting loudest is an ideal way to win an argument.
Fix fixers - Using Bloomberg IB chat to communicate all your misdeeds is an ideal way to be caught.
Business analysts - Why not insist all lower desk heads provide irrelevant data and analysis which you know they don't have.
HR - Silently walk around the dealing room putting a sticker on each fourth desk.
Management - "Focusing on core strengths" makes an ideal mantra for buying yourself another year.
Management- Introducing tolls at the security stiles in reception. makes an ideal revenue earner.
Back office - Employ speakers of obscure tongues to add that extra level of excitement to urgent phone queries.
Cleaners - Stretching bin liners trampoline tight over the bins and setting up a dry cleaners is an ideal way to supplement your income.
Money Market dealers - hanging a wooden sign over your desk displaying "5/8, 1/2" is an ideal alternative to making prices all year.
Option dealers - offering a client 1mth EUR/USD makes an ideal alternative if he asks for 3mth SGD/JPY RKOs.
Suing someone for money you have lost makes an ideal alternative to facing up to your own stupidity.
Why not make your next year's targets seem less surreal by dropping acid.
---------------
The comments section is open for additions.
34 comments
Click here for commentsOffsites - make sure the opening night is so colossal nothing worthwhile can possibly get done the next day
ReplyBusiness trips - making sure of maximum airmiles is far more important than anything to do with clients or actual business
Management - making sure that travel policy and expenses crackdowns don`t apply on anything you are doing creates optimum staff goodwill
Traders - discriminatory pricing against sales people you don`t like is a belly laugh for everyone else
Hedge Fund PR flacks - Explaining how "2 and 20" works will be easier than usual this year. [You made 2% for the investors and your benchmark was 20%]. Investor gets 1.6%, which "beats inflation in Japan", while the fund "displayed extremely low volatility", b/c you had stuck your head down the bog since mid-July.
ReplyTraders - brighten up your day by showing a salesperson a choice price, then watch their face when the realisation of zero sales credits sets in.
ReplyIndividual traders - Say you're going long on a stock while it falls when really you don't have the slightest clue how to make a sell order.
ReplyCDS Traders - talk long and hard about how great your instrument is to hedge credit risk then at the end don't forget to say how much you've made by trading the basis
ReplyRegulators - don't forget to bang on about the importance of transparency cos that really makes you sound like you have a firm grip on markets
Genius stuff. JL
Pretend you have a highly paid job in finance - post an ad for a housemate online, (when there is no room). This way you can explain to as many people as possible that you are a big deal and work in finance, and they will at least pretend to look impressed. Now fuck off back to HR.
ReplyPretend you have a highly paid job in finance - Dress up, then dress down. Take the 1615 train into Liverpool street, hit the bars and pay said extortionate prices in the hope of projecting hoped for wealth.
ReplyPretend you are an old school bond trader.
ReplyReply to any mention of a number in general conversation with "buy those" "mine at" "yours" or "you're getting 'em"
For example :
"I think that right fit bird from the back office I shagged was all of 21"
Response:
"21 !!!! MINE at 21 !!!"
When I read the title, my hopes were up that you were going to tell us how to at last call the top to this bubble. Maybe another day...
ReplyRossmorguy
dude Ross!
Replythe top was yesterday !
German retail sales (for the second month), Italian PPI and French consumer spending showing stagnation on MoM basis. Ouch!
ReplySo King dollar starts emerging from the abyss for a change. It's not about absolute crap data but what it looks like compared to the other guy.
Good observation, Anon. We simply ran out of bad US data and QE news for the time being. It was all known, and there was nobody left to sell Bucky.
ReplyRight on cue, we get a highly anomalous Chicago PMI reading, and suddenly all the USD shorts are caught offside again. With many European economies struggling again, no way EURUSD stays up at these elevated levels. The real tell for risk assets from here would be a sharp breakdown in EURJPY.
Agree LB. JPY is probably a good third, external peer which should also react to EUR to tell the real story (if I interpreted correctly).
ReplyUS blaming Germany for dragging EU growth:
http://tinyurl.com/k33eryx
Officially there's a big scandal going on with Mangler and Big Ears, but could one interpret this as a beginning of an era of co-ordinated economic policies in the West?
How about some of that laughing gas action, Dr. Aghi? People seem to be getting a bit too depressed with consumer confidence plummeting and all.
Dr Aghi would certainly need the laughing gas if Mangler asked him to actually whip it out and DEPLOY the alleged weapon. So far the OMT is just about the most impressive confidence trick in European history. It certainly did the trick.
ReplyMarkets are very very Mickey Mouse just now and it really feels like something is about to happen to muck up this idyllic risk-free moment of nose-bleed valuations. What that might be, nobody knows, but you definitely get the impression that loads of people are sitting there with their index finger hovering just above the sell button. As always, he/she who bails first preserves capital.
well regardless of whether this is the top we know it's not THE top because everyone and their mother knows about "seasonality" and "Santa rallies." I mean, everyone knows this, so what could possibly go wrong with buying the next dip with two fists, innit??
ReplyPoliticians - get re-elected by crossing the palm of your core stock-picking middle classes, then offer them some more nookie later, but only if they stand by you during the election.
ReplyLONDON--U.K. Treasury chief George Osborne said Friday that the latest strategic plan by state-owned Royal Bank of Scotland Group PLC (RBS) would make it easier to return the bank to private hands, but the sale is unlikely before the next general election due in 2015.
It's Frothy, Man
ReplyExtreme net long exposure by fund managers towards stocks…
Replyhttp://i.imgur.com/UYWGSak.png
Cash levels by retail investors at extreme lows…
http://i.imgur.com/9OHrY8v.png
Just a note on the small little indicators while waiting for all the frost to melt up.
ReplySteel industry still going strong with ok PMIs (excluding France), X, MT etc. The consensus is really now expecting that the cycle bottom has been formed and with all the trim-up programs these companies are starting to stay afloat even during the current extreme low demand conditions.
If any real growth emerges these should be among the first rocketing towards the moon. Atleast that's what they did last time....
Beyond the Zero
Replyhttp://thecontrariancorner.com/?p=11992
I'm waiting for Yen,Copper, Shanghai to give me a sign. This market is such a bore. Rotation rotation.
ReplyThe stock market is higher than the Mayor of Toronto. Somebody filmed him smoking crack cocaine at a party. His defense was that he was blind drunk at the time. Aparently the response from his fellow Canadians is, "oh well, fair enough then".
ReplySurprisingly interesting. I really thought by the title that I'll be learning something about business management... and it seems I acquired something more valuable. Hehe.
Reply
ReplyPrivate Lender Bentex Funding Group Ltd.
Greetings to you by (BFGL).
We are a France-Paris based investment company known as Bentex Funding
Group Ltd working on expanding its portfolio globally and financing
projects.
We would be happy to fund and invest with you in any profitable
project if you have any viable project we can finance by making mutual
investment with you. If you are interested, kindly contact us
on:avitinvestmentauthority2@gmail.com for more details.
Looking forward hearing from you soonest.
Yours truly,
Mrs Rose Larsson.
(Personal Assistant)
Bentex Funding Group Ltd(BFGL)
509 Rue Jacques Coeur,75008 Paris-France
Paris-France.Bentex Funding Group Ltd (BFGL)
ReplyPrivate Lender Bentex Funding Group Ltd.
Greetings to you by (BFGL).
We are a France-Paris based investment company known as Bentex Funding
Group Ltd working on expanding its portfolio globally and financing
projects.
We would be happy to fund and invest with you in any profitable
project if you have any viable project we can finance by making mutual
investment with you. If you are interested, kindly contact us
on:avitinvestmentauthority2@gmail.com for more details.
Looking forward hearing from you soonest.
Yours truly,
Mrs Rose Larsson.
(Personal Assistant)
Bentex Funding Group Ltd(BFGL)
509 Rue Jacques Coeur,75008 Paris-France
Paris-France.Bentex Funding Group Ltd (BFGL)
Private Lender Bentex Funding Group Ltd.
ReplyGreetings to you by (BFGL).
We are a France-Paris based investment company known as Bentex Funding
Group Ltd working on expanding its portfolio globally and financing
projects.
We would be happy to fund and invest with you in any profitable
project if you have any viable project we can finance by making mutual
investment with you. If you are interested, kindly contact us
on:bentexgroup@gmail.com for more details.
Looking forward hearing from you soonest.
Yours truly,
Mrs Rose Larsson.
(Personal Assistant)
Bentex Funding Group Ltd(BFGL)
509 Rue Jacques Coeur,75008 Paris-France
Paris-France.Bentex Funding Group Ltd (BFGL)
Private Lender Bentex Funding Group Ltd.
ReplyGreetings to you by (BFGL).
We are a France-Paris based investment company known as Bentex Funding
Group Ltd working on expanding its portfolio globally and financing
projects.
We would be happy to fund and invest with you in any profitable
project if you have any viable project we can finance by making mutual
investment with you. If you are interested, kindly contact us
on:bentexgroup@gmail.com for more details.
Looking forward hearing from you soonest.
Yours truly,
Mrs Rose Larsson.
(Personal Assistant)
Bentex Funding Group Ltd(BFGL)
509 Rue Jacques Coeur,75008 Paris-France
Paris-France.Bentex Funding Group Ltd (BFGL)
Hilarious - add if not there: Whilst in a group out drinking comment on any woman's looks by saying "yours" if ordinary and "mine" if a supermodel even though there is no chance she actually ever will be yours.
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